Dealing with Trying to Conceive: What to Expect When You're Still Not Expecting

A little bit of my story...

A year ago today was one of the happiest days of my life: I found out I was pregnant with our first child! Six weeks later I had a miscarriage, and we were devastated. We never stopped trying, and I was sure that baby number 2 would not be far behind. But as the months continue to pass, I have learned that waiting can be just as devastating as losing a baby. Miscarriage is something not many women talk about, and trying to conceive is another category we keep to ourselves as women.

 I won't attempt to say that I know what every woman in this or that scenario is going through. I don't. We all deal with it differently. But if you can relate to this season of waiting, then I just want you to know that you aren't alone!

What to Expect When You're Still Not Expecting

1. Little Things Will Really Annoy You (a whole new set of pet peeves)

Babies are sweet and adorable, and you want one more than anything, so how can they seem to make you so angry? It won't be everyday, but some days, you will really dislike everyone who has a baby. But even more, you will get overly annoyed when someone complains about their kids. Or says that you are lucky not to have them. Or gets pregnant without trying. Or...well you get the idea. No one does these things to intentionally upset you, but it is a challenge to not take everything in the kids realm personally.

2. Social Media is not Your Friend

Facebook. Just don't go there. All those baby pictures...and baby bumps...and pregnancy announcements. And Google. Quit googling. I mean it! There is no secret position, food, vitamin, supplement, phase of the moon, etc. that will magically get you pregnant. Most forums offer false hope with strange one in a million scenarios that may not even be true. Oh, and resist the urge to pin baby stuff. I know that's a cute nursery color palette, but leave it alone.

3. You Could Win a Debate Championship With Yourself

Every little change in your body will become a sign. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night, breaking out, being moody, etc. could mean that you are pregnant! But you try not to think about it, because you don't want to get yourself too excited just to let yourself down. Again. But then again, the signs are all looking up this time. This could be the month! But what if it really is nothing? There is no use in thinking about it for another two weeks until you can take the test. Two weeks! Torture...why can't I make myself stop debating with myself?

4. Your Calendar Takes on a Whole New Look

There is a lot to keep track of if you are charting cycles at all. You will create your own system of keeping up with all the symptoms: circles mean one thing, squares another, lines another, not to mention diagrams and numbers. What did I write in my calendar before? It is starting to look like a Pollock painting!

5. You Learn a Whole New Set of Acronyms

If you spend any time at all on TTC (trying to conceive) forums, you will quickly learn an entirely new language comprised of so many acronyms it will make your head spin! Anyone TTC using OPKs to detect O will debate on using FMU or how many DPOs to wait before using an HPT until AF visits. We're all just waiting for that BFP and the EWCM to BD. If you aren't sure what any of that means, just ask your OB-GYN! Unfortunately, reading forums will not get you pregnant, so don't overindulge. Besides, most of the comments are TMI.

6. You Will Have Bad Days and Good Days

Some days you will wake up and everything is great. You have a purpose today. If you never have a baby, you know that it will be just fine. You may have weeks of these days, or even months. But sooner or later, you wake up one day and it is not alright. You have waited and waited, you are doing everything right, and life is not fair. You get discouraged. Your friend's baby born long after you started trying is celebrating their first birthday, or second, or third. You can't make it one more day like this. Something has to give! Don't worry, something does give, and it will be the bad day. After some bad days you will wake up again one morning, and you will realize that it is another good day, and you are ok with life just the way things are. It would probably help my husband if there were some kind of meter to show him which day I am on, but I try to keep him up to date :)

7. You Will Have an Identity Crisis

What am I here for? What is the best way to use my time while waiting? Is there a reason that I don't have kids yet? Is there something that I am supposed to do first? Is there a kid out there already that is there for me to adopt? Is there something wrong with me? Am I broken? Am I inadequate? Am I not supposed to have kids? Or is it all just without purpose and the way things are? Am I okay with the possibility of never being a mom? How much longer will/ can/ should I wait? Sorry, I don't have the answers. Just questions. Lots of questions. My advice- ask the questions, but don't dwell on them too long. After all, I'm not sure I am ready to handle all of the answers.

What do I do now?

Ok, so you're waiting. Whether you are waiting actively or passively, time is passing, which means it must be filled with something. So what do we do with the time while we are waiting? This is a question I asked myself a year ago, and still find myself constantly asking. You know what you want to be doing, so what do you do in the mean time? As I tell the elementary students that I work with, you can either pout and miss out or change your attitude and get to play with the group. The time will pass one way or another, so let's choose to use it the best that we can!

1. Make Plans

I am a planner, which means I usually have all kinds of projects lined up. When you are trying to conceive, it is difficult to not base all decisions about future plans around possible due dates. The thought process goes something like this: "Do I want to teach a dance class? Well, if I get pregnant tomorrow, then I will be 4 months pregnant at the end. Can I teach dance while being 4 months pregnant?" There are so many things that I have said yes to over the last year that my hopeful calendar would have told me to turn down. I am so glad that I did not miss out on those experiences. Besides, keeping busy will help keep your mind off of what you are missing. So make plans! Take trips! Make commitments! And we can only hope that you will have a reason (like being pregnant) to cancel them later ;)

My husband and I took a trip to China! There is so much life to be lived!

2. Don't Count by the Month

I know that feeling. Month after month. Another failure. Another negative pregnancy test. It is easy to fall apart every month with the disappointment, but I would encourage you to use something else to keep track of the time. I used to mark time by the months, but each one was so discouraging. I still get discouraged, but now I wait until I get to the bottom of a bottle of prenatal vitamins. I can hold it together for 100 days until I take that last pill, and then have a day where I fall apart. I know it sounds strange, but find something longer term to use as a time keeper, and it will help you have a more positive outlook during the waiting.

3. Live in Today

I know you want a baby. I know you want the baby shower, the cute nursery, the life of being a mommy, but that is not your life today. Don't peruse the baby aisle at Target. Don't pin articles on making your own baby food. Resist the urge to buy that really cute preggo shirt that's on clearance. There will be a day and time for all of that, but it is not today. Today you are child-free. So go do something that can only be done today. Focus on what is happening around you here and now and let the future take care of itself.

4. Cancel the Pity Party

I am a really good hostess when it comes to pity parties, but let's fact it, they don't help. When I think about my situation and put it into perspective of what the average person in the world is going through, I quickly realize that I really have nothing to throw a party over. There are people starving, living in war torn areas, fighting cancer, and losing their families in tragic natural disasters. I live an amazing life- I just haven't been able to reproduce yet. It is a real struggle, but definitely not at the top of the list. Okay, I guess I can put away the party hats...

5. Choose Joy

My life is wonderful and I am blessed in so many incredible ways. So why is it that I get so focused on the one thing that I don't have instead of all of the things that I do? It is easy to get discouraged when I look at everyone with babies and me without one. But if I made a list of all of the amazing things that I have been blessed with while being completely undeserving, I could fill a book. Instead of putting my attention on what I don't have, I have to make an intentional effort to be thankful for the many blessings in life that I do have!

6. Keep the Faith

I don't know what your beliefs are, but I am a Christ-follower. Between the miscarriage and the waiting, my relationship with and faith in God has been tested. At the end of it all, here is what I know to be true- God loves me, He has a plan for me, and while this world will bring me trouble, He will work all things together for good for those who love and obey Him. I trust His timing and judgement because His thoughts are higher than my thoughts and His ways higher than my ways. 

God has given me all that I have, and it is His to take away. 

If I am never able to have a baby, I am made complete in Him. Nothing that happens to me changes those truths, and it is all that I can stand on when everything else gives way. I pray that you find that same certainty and peace! And when you have a bad day, come back to this truth and rest in it!

I don't pretend to have all the answers. Honestly, this list is as much to make a reminder for myself as it is to help anyone else. Whatever day you are having, and no matter how long you wait, know that you are NOT the only one. Keep your head up- there is a lot to be learned in the waiting. And who you are and become in the waiting is the truest reflection of your character. Make it beautiful rather than bitter!